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Solving the “Alex Rodriguez” dilemma

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Whether you are a Yankee fan, a baseball fan, a New Yorker,or just a living, breathing person, you are aware of the dilemma the Yankees have that is Alex Rodriguez.  We know about his postseason struggles, his benching, his picking up swimsuit models at games and his claim that he wants to come back to New York to prove himself.  We also are aware of his monster contract, his no trade clause and his admission of partaking in steroids, which he claims happened as a member of the Texas Rangers.  The Yankees owe Rodriguez $114 million over the next 5 years, an unbelievable amount of money for an old third baseman who looks as if  his last decent days as a major leaguer are behind him.  The question on everybody’s minds has to be “WHAT THE HELL SHOULD THE YANKEES DO WITH ALEX RODRIGUEZ?”  Well, I have the answer!

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Many people believe the Yankees will trade him.  New Yorkers are obviously sick of his act, his apathy and his tendency to come up short in the clutch time and again.  Everyone thinks he needs a change of scenery and that he can resurrect his career somewhere else, maybe in his hometown of Miami.  There are two fundamental problems with this situation that makes A-Rod unable to be traded.  In order to trade him, the Yankees will have to eat almost 80 million of his contract.  Therefore, over the next 5 years, the Yankees will be paying 15 million a season to a player that is not on their team.  Even the Yankees don’t have that type of money, especially since ownership is attempting to lower payroll by 2014 to avoid the luxury tax.  The other problem is A-Rod can veto any trade he doesn’t agree with and I really don’t think he wants out of New York as badly as some others may believe.  There are so many more opportunities for A-Rod to score tail in New York than anywhere else and that basically seems to be his major concern these days.  We all know that young men go into sports for two main reasons, to make money and get women.  In that regard, A-Rod is winning no matter what he does on the field, and he knows New York is the best place to live as a young, rich bachelor.

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The Yankees plan should be simple.  Encourage Alex Rodriguez to start taking steroids again!  This is a fool proof plan with no downside.  Off the juice, A-Rod sucks.  He is late on the fastball, slow out of the box and can barely reach the warning track.  Put a needle in his ass and we might see the Alex of old.  Before he got caught, he was a regular 50 HR and 130 RBI type of player.  He has won MVPs, HR titles and has appeared on the All-Star game damn near every year of his career.  With a little help, A-Rod can find his form.  Without it, he’s no better than Eric Chavez!  The Yankees need to take the chance that Alex Rodriguez finds out the testing date, buys a fake penis and synthetic urine, and pisses a clean test.   He might get lucky!  Even the blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

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At the same time, we have to remember that Alex Rodriguez is not the sharpest tool in the shed.  This is the same player that referred to Ichiro Suzuki as a great “fundamentalist”, when attempting to say that the Japanese outfielder plays good fundamental baseball.  It is fairly likely that Alex would get caught.  This possibility is exactly what Yankee fans like myself should be hoping for!  If he is caught, the penalties would be the following:

  • First positive test result: 50 game suspension
  • Second positive test result: 100 game suspension
  • Third positive test result: lifetime ban from MLB

The Yankees wouldn’t have to pay him a cent of the $114 million, his reputation won’t take too bad of a hit because lets face it, it really can’t get much worse!  Everybody in this situation wins, especially the Steinbrenners, Cashman and Joe Girardi.

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As previously stated, all the Yankees have to do is put a few supplements in his locker, turn their backs and let it all unfold.  Nobody will trade for him, he makes too much money to sit on the bench and at the very least, he might actually get a few hits if he’s on the juice.  If the Yankees haven’t already had conversations about this possibility internally, heads need to start rolling.  We are talking about one of the biggest idiots in professional sports, a man who would not be able to resist the temptation of a little extra testosterone in the morning.  He has no legacy to maintain, and will never be more loved than Jeter…unless he tries something!  I believe New Yorkers will respect more than ever if he goes out swinging.  Hell, if he was popping pills or taking needles he would be doing a whole lot more than what he just showed us in the 2012 playoffs…

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