I’ve got horrible news football fans. Even though the NFL season is still over a month away, as most training camps are just now kicking off, the season is over! Yeah, the games will still be played and a Champion needs to be crowned next February in about half a year from now, but unfortunately we just discovered that everything that will take place during the season has already been determined by a higher power. Ryan Kalil of the Carolina Panthers has removed all suspense from a sport that always provides its fans with high quantities, as he has let all of us know that his team will win the Super Bowl XLVII “because we have to.” Kalil is positive about this outcome, and let the world know about his visions because as he stated, they will win it all “because I’ve seen it.” Fuck Tim Tebow, the real footballing prophet has been revealed to us all.
Kalil announced his grand statement by taking out a one page advertisement out in the Charlotte Observer. All of his beliefs (and truths) were presented in a fascinating essay entitled “Why The Caroline Panthers will win Super Bowl XLVII”. Wow, talk about creativity!! Message to Ryan Kalil… please come write for Sports Debaters…You are obviously blessed with an incredible ability to articulate and express you ideas in a provoking manner. As soon as your playing days are over, we have a spot waiting for you buddy. Also, we can definitely use a lot of help picking games.
In his essay, Kalil asked the Carolina Panthers fans to view the Panthers season as “the daunting, unpaved path ahead, lined with detours, naysayers, and walls which seem insurmountable.” He then built the Carolina fan’s spirits up by letting them know these challenges are “not for you. You’ll ignore what you hear and break through ANYTHING that stands in your way. Because you see what’s at the end of this… Victory.” As Jet fans, even when our team has a chance to make noise, we just assume that some insurmountable wall will eventually come collapsing down onto our team. We not only have no chance of ignoring the naysayers and breaking through anything that comes the Jet’s way, but we are one of the major obstacles that hinder the team. I am left to think that Ryan Kalil and the Carolina Panther fans have a lot to teach us Gang Green fans in terms of belief.
Ryan Kalil could care less that his team was 6-10 last year. It doesn’t matter that the NFC is stacked with QB talent like Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Eli Manning, Mike Vick, Matt Ryan and Tony Romo, or that the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger are all lurking in the AFC. Kalil see the truth and is guaranteeing a Carolina Panther victory despite all those QB’s feeble attempts. Kalil stated that “it was one of those things, I was literally up all night and I was thinking about it, and just went to my computer and started writing.” Well, I for one am grateful for Kalil for sharing his truth with us because I may have wasted a lot of Sundays watching games when the season is actually a foregone conclusion.
Just so all our readers know, you could get 40-1 odds on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl before the season starts, so get your bets in. A $500 bet will land you $20,000…so my advice to everyone is to bet, bet, bet! How often does an NFL player steer us wrong after discovering information from a higher power? Also, Ryan Kalil, if you are not doing anything on August 28th, I could really use some fantasy advice for this upcoming season. Let me know your availability. I know you have a season to prepare for but I’m assuming that you guys could take it a little easier this year, since you already know the end result. Thanks dude, I’ll cut you a percent of the winnings!