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Carolina Dreams

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Where there’s a Kalil, there’s a Kaway.

I’ve got horrible news football fans.  Even though the NFL season is still over a month away, as most training camps are just now kicking off, the season is over!  Yeah, the games will still be played and a Champion needs to be crowned next February in about half a year from now, but unfortunately we just discovered that everything that will take place during the season has already been determined by a higher power.  Ryan Kalil of the Carolina Panthers has removed all suspense from a sport that always provides its fans with high quantities, as he has let all of us know that his team will win the Super Bowl XLVII “because we have to.” Kalil is positive about this outcome, and let the world know about his visions because as he stated, they will win it all “because I’ve seen it.”  Fuck Tim Tebow, the real footballing prophet has been revealed to us all.

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Hey! You left number XI – Panthers in 2013. You expect me to bring this back incomplete?

Kalil announced his grand statement by taking out a one page advertisement out in the Charlotte Observer.  All of his beliefs (and truths) were presented in a fascinating essay entitled “Why The Caroline Panthers will win Super Bowl XLVII”.  Wow, talk about creativity!!  Message to Ryan Kalil… please come write for Sports Debaters…You are obviously blessed with an incredible ability to articulate and express you ideas in a provoking manner.  As soon as your playing days are over, we have a spot waiting for you buddy.  Also, we can definitely use a lot of help picking games.

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Despite the “unpaved path” – in Florida they call them sinkholes, beacuse a*$holes tend to sink in them.

In his essay, Kalil asked the Carolina Panthers fans to view the Panthers season as “the daunting, unpaved path ahead, lined with detours, naysayers, and walls which seem insurmountable.”  He then built the Carolina fan’s spirits up by letting them know these challenges are “not for you. You’ll ignore what you hear and break through ANYTHING that stands in your way. Because you see what’s at the end of this… Victory.”  As Jet fans, even when our team has a chance to make noise, we just assume that some insurmountable wall will eventually come collapsing down onto our team.  We not only have no chance of ignoring the naysayers and breaking through anything that comes the Jet’s way, but we are one of the major obstacles that hinder the team.  I am left to think that Ryan Kalil and the Carolina Panther fans have a lot to teach us Gang Green fans in terms of belief. 

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Hey, if he’s right the NFL can save a lot on preordered Superbowl merchandise!

Ryan Kalil could care less that his team was 6-10 last year.  It doesn’t matter that the NFC is stacked with QB talent like Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Eli Manning, Mike Vick, Matt Ryan and Tony Romo, or that the likes of Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Phillip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger are all lurking in the AFC.  Kalil see the truth and is guaranteeing a Carolina Panther victory despite all those QB’s feeble attempts.  Kalil stated that “it was one of those things, I was literally up all night and I was thinking about it, and just went to my computer and started writing.”  Well, I for one am grateful for Kalil for sharing his truth with us because I may have wasted a lot of Sundays watching games when the season is actually a foregone conclusion.

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My money’s on Carolina. At least what’s left from my investments in real estate in 2008 and my shares in Lehman Brothers.

Just so all our readers know, you could get 40-1 odds on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl before the season starts, so get your bets in.  A $500 bet will land you $20,000…so my advice to everyone is to bet, bet, bet!  How often does an NFL player steer us wrong after discovering information from a higher power?  Also, Ryan Kalil, if you are not doing anything on August 28th, I could really use some fantasy advice for this upcoming season.  Let me know your availability.  I know you have a season to prepare for but I’m assuming that you guys could take it a little easier this year, since you already know the end result.  Thanks dude, I’ll cut you a percent of the winnings!

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3 responses

  1. Pingback: Last Minute Emergency Lineup Changes: Week 1 « Sports Debaters

  2. First off, Ryan Kalil might be the best 2nd round pick from 2007 that the Carolina Panthers ever had. As the highest paid center in NFL history, I think we should all listen to him. I for one will implement a Center position on our fantasy league rosters this season and Kalil will be my #1 pick of the whole draft. I also think that it’s ridiculous that Kalil would even give us this prediction when anyone who knows football would have already been picking Cam Newton and Kalil to lead the juggernaut Pathers to the promised land…where they have never been. Since birth I have bled Green but I think this season I might have a new bloodline consisting of Black, Panther Blue, Silver, White.

    July 26, 2012 at 7:37 AM

  3. Chris

    I for one will now watch the outcome of all Carolina games much more closely based on Kalil’s prediction. It’s not that I think they will win the Super Bowl but I for one believe in the power of positive thinking (and let’s face it, any team can win on any given day in pro sports)…….If you rally a team behind your positive thoughts and then get the fans into that positive thinking it can be a game changer. Need I mention the name Tim Tebow….. or should I make a reference that is a little closer to your NY roots and say Jeremy Lin…….

    July 26, 2012 at 6:47 AM

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